1. Wash your hair in the bath.
I didn’t say take a shower. Actually, I don’t even care if you take a bath. Kudos to you, Stink Warrior! All I’m saying is get in the bathtub, lie down, assume the birthing position (c’mon, guys, you know you’ve always wanted to know how humiliating that position is), pull yourself up into a semi-crunch and wash your hair. If you have short hair, wash it twice – no, four times; shampoo twice and condition twice. If your hair is like Fabio’s and you don’t have to condition it, then you probably also have a naturally perfect body and shouldn’t be taking exercise tips from this size 10 mama.
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2. Place baby gates up at any and all doorways, entrances, or just spaces that can accommodate such an awesome item of décor.
This one isn’t just for new parents. If you have pets, blame them. If not, well, be a rebel! Soon you will be able to dispel the naysayers with your incredibly toned thighs and sexy new calves. The gates serve two purposes. First, you’ll be stuck climbing over those things each and every time you want to enter and/or exit a room. Second, because of the combination of the aforementioned climbing over a baby gate plus your abs still burning from your thorough hair washing, you’ll likely bypass the gate at least 20 percent of the time and stay put in lieu of rummaging through each room in search of forgotten (and most certainly unhealthy) snacks.
3. Place all food items higher than you can reach.
I know what you’re thinking. Why on earth would I do that? Just so it makes it more difficult to reach the bad stuff? No, because I said all food, not just the double chocolate fudge brownies you’re hiding from your significant other. Now remove all step-ladders and stools to aid in recovery of said food items. Each time you need food to eat or items to prepare for dinner, jump up and down until you locate the item you’re looking for. Once you’ve found what you need, add some arm motion so that you’re full on jump-jacking until you either miraculously grasp the item you’re looking for or pass out from exhaustion, at which point you will no longer need it anyway.
~~~ and now the last two items will be special for moms because, hey, we need all the help we can get ~~~
4. Let your children watch a movie in the living room just before bedtime.
Because if your kids are anything like mine, they will fall asleep before the previews are complete. And although the sound of you chewing ice cream wakes them up at 2:00 a.m. (no judgement here!), nothing you can say or do will wake them up enough to walk to bed. This means you will have to heave-ho them off the couch or the floor or, more likely than not, your favorite recliner and carry them to bed. Bonus if you have stairs!
5. Have a new baby.
Buy an infant carrier car seat. Do not buy a stroller of any shape or kind. Make sure to bring the baby on an outing at least every other day, or if you’re not into society that much, just carry him/her around the house in the car seat. Definitely throw in a dozen or so baby car seat curls to mix things up a little bit. Your arms will thank you when you’re doing all those jumping jacks to prepare dinner later. Oh, another bonus here. Have twins and you can work both arms at once.
Just a little parent math for all your future/wanna-be parents:
8 pound car seat + 13 pound infant = 35 pounds. Truth.
Have I missed anything? Do you have a suggestion of types of exercises I should add to this regime in order to make my “housemate” (yeah, that’s a whole other story) stop inviting me to his jiu jitsu classes? Any help in this arena is much appreciated!